Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A Television Show
LOST is on tonight. Did you know this? Had you heard? Just in case you haven't, I thought I would fill you in. It's a show about these characters. It's pretty cool. They're on an island. And the island talks. I know, right? It's nutty! Who ever heard of a talking island before? I know I haven't! Up until this show came on 5 years ago.
For those of you who haven't seen this television program, let me fill you in on some basics.
1) In the pilot episode, a bunch of people parachute out of a burning blimp. Some died when they hit the shores but that's just because it was Normandy and a lot of burning blimp refugees died on the shores of Normandy. It was sad. Even for the burning blimp refugees that survived their parachute. They were sad. Because their friends had died. So to cure their sadness, they walked around the island of Normandy for about 600 days or so. But it was really about 30. After that first month or decade, the island started talking to them. End Season 1.
2) In Season Two, a man named John Locke was invented by a man named Pete Townsend. They shook hands and opened up a door that unlocked a strange new world. In that world there was a man named Desmond Monkey Hands who had to keep pushing a button because if he didn't, there would be no universal health care. It was pretty scary. He had to push the universal health care button every 600 minutes or so. But it was really about 30. Oh, and there was also this other character who was a Care Bear. His name was Hurley Bear. He came down from the mountains wearing some clothes. That's where Season Two Ended.
3) In Season Three, all hell broke lose! No joke! It started right where Season Two left off with Hurley Bear all up in his clothes and talking to Desmond about the pot monster. Did I tell you about the pot monster? He was like this pot smoke that just floated around the island getting everybody high and like, doing things to them. It was really scary stuff. I don't know how to explain it really. Oh yes I do. It's like when you accidentally drop your Koosh ball in the sink or the pool or the ocean. That's what happened to Jack. Jack is another character on the show. He dropped his Koosh Ball in the ocean in the pilot episode when he parachuted from the burning blimp. He was very sad. Not just because his Koosh ball was all wet and it would take at least a day for it to dry but also because his dad died. The rest of Season Three was pretty much just nonsense.
4) In Season Four, Claire had a baby and everyone else was safe at home. Yeah, they got off the island. It was righteous. It meant something. They got to eat things like Bubba Burgers with ketchup. They were all very happy about that because back on the talking island, all they had to eat was Bubba Burgers and mustard. But there was only a little bit of mustard to go around and by Season Four ALL THE MUSTARD WAS GONE!! So they were all happy about life back at home. But they still felt sorry for leaving Claire and her baby on the island with no mustard. So they went back. They had to go back. Jack said so.
5) Season Five was awesome. They went back to the talking island and Jack and Kate had lots of sexy time and pineapples. Kate was Jack's doberman pincher in a sideways universe but he never knew that because the character who played Kate was Gweneth Paltrow and she was too busy missing her train. So instead, they all decided that it would be fun to roll on up for a magical mystery tour and take a yellow submarine back to 1977. When they got there, there was this farmer and his name was Sayid. Sayid told them that Cobra was the best Nintendo game EVER! And everyone pretty much agreed except for this tall glass of water named Sawyer who thought it was really Bubble Bobble. Sawyer was a homosexual but everyone respected him. Especially this guy named Miles who could talk to Bruce Willis.
And now you're pretty much caught up! Oh, but LOST is in it's final season now and there's only like 8 episodes left before the series finale. So what's happened so far this season is that we FINALLY found out that Claire's baby is actually Rosemary's baby. And Woody Allen is suing for custody. Stay tuned!!
LOST airs tonight at 9:00pm EST on ABC.
For those of you who haven't seen this television program, let me fill you in on some basics.
1) In the pilot episode, a bunch of people parachute out of a burning blimp. Some died when they hit the shores but that's just because it was Normandy and a lot of burning blimp refugees died on the shores of Normandy. It was sad. Even for the burning blimp refugees that survived their parachute. They were sad. Because their friends had died. So to cure their sadness, they walked around the island of Normandy for about 600 days or so. But it was really about 30. After that first month or decade, the island started talking to them. End Season 1.
2) In Season Two, a man named John Locke was invented by a man named Pete Townsend. They shook hands and opened up a door that unlocked a strange new world. In that world there was a man named Desmond Monkey Hands who had to keep pushing a button because if he didn't, there would be no universal health care. It was pretty scary. He had to push the universal health care button every 600 minutes or so. But it was really about 30. Oh, and there was also this other character who was a Care Bear. His name was Hurley Bear. He came down from the mountains wearing some clothes. That's where Season Two Ended.
3) In Season Three, all hell broke lose! No joke! It started right where Season Two left off with Hurley Bear all up in his clothes and talking to Desmond about the pot monster. Did I tell you about the pot monster? He was like this pot smoke that just floated around the island getting everybody high and like, doing things to them. It was really scary stuff. I don't know how to explain it really. Oh yes I do. It's like when you accidentally drop your Koosh ball in the sink or the pool or the ocean. That's what happened to Jack. Jack is another character on the show. He dropped his Koosh Ball in the ocean in the pilot episode when he parachuted from the burning blimp. He was very sad. Not just because his Koosh ball was all wet and it would take at least a day for it to dry but also because his dad died. The rest of Season Three was pretty much just nonsense.
4) In Season Four, Claire had a baby and everyone else was safe at home. Yeah, they got off the island. It was righteous. It meant something. They got to eat things like Bubba Burgers with ketchup. They were all very happy about that because back on the talking island, all they had to eat was Bubba Burgers and mustard. But there was only a little bit of mustard to go around and by Season Four ALL THE MUSTARD WAS GONE!! So they were all happy about life back at home. But they still felt sorry for leaving Claire and her baby on the island with no mustard. So they went back. They had to go back. Jack said so.
5) Season Five was awesome. They went back to the talking island and Jack and Kate had lots of sexy time and pineapples. Kate was Jack's doberman pincher in a sideways universe but he never knew that because the character who played Kate was Gweneth Paltrow and she was too busy missing her train. So instead, they all decided that it would be fun to roll on up for a magical mystery tour and take a yellow submarine back to 1977. When they got there, there was this farmer and his name was Sayid. Sayid told them that Cobra was the best Nintendo game EVER! And everyone pretty much agreed except for this tall glass of water named Sawyer who thought it was really Bubble Bobble. Sawyer was a homosexual but everyone respected him. Especially this guy named Miles who could talk to Bruce Willis.
And now you're pretty much caught up! Oh, but LOST is in it's final season now and there's only like 8 episodes left before the series finale. So what's happened so far this season is that we FINALLY found out that Claire's baby is actually Rosemary's baby. And Woody Allen is suing for custody. Stay tuned!!
LOST airs tonight at 9:00pm EST on ABC.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Awesome!
Judging by the press release, it looks like it's a Richard-centric episode next week. (Maybe those of you who watched it on real tv already knew this from the coming attractions, but I don't know.) I think this will be an awesome episode, I really want to know more about this enigmatic character!
It's a Small World
In a previous post I came to the conclusion that there are several parallels between many of the characters, here are some of the top of my head, please add your own.
It can be as specific as:
Sayid and Eko both killed (a chicken and a person, respectively) in their childhoods to prevent their brothers from having to do so.
To as broad as:
Sawyer, Kate, Ben, Jack, Claire, Hurley, Locke, and Miles have daddy issues.
It can be as specific as:
Sayid and Eko both killed (a chicken and a person, respectively) in their childhoods to prevent their brothers from having to do so.
To as broad as:
Sawyer, Kate, Ben, Jack, Claire, Hurley, Locke, and Miles have daddy issues.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Can We Trust Claire?
I really liked this episode (and no, not because Sawyer was half-naked through most of it). I did like that Jack was no where to be seen, but my favorite part was when Locke bitch-slapped Claire. Awesome!
Do you trust Claire's apology to Kate? I read some blogs that said she couldn't be trusted, but think about this:
- Locke explained to Kate that the reason he told Claire the Others had her "BYE-bee" (that's Australian for "baby") was because it would give her motivation to hate them.
- Around the time Locke smacked Claire he told her that Kate took good care of her baby. Now Claire realizes that Locke lied to her.
- Perhaps now Claire has, not only, lost her hatred towards the others, but she has also lost her trust and allegiance in Locke. Maybe her apology was true now that she realized that she was actually on the wrong side all along.
What do you think?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Dr. Linus
I went to bed thinking about how anticlimactic last night's episode was. ABC clearly mentioned something about Ben's demise in last week's preview (and those previews are starting to get on my nerves!), and I figured that meant his death. Did he die last night?
Nope.
Stupid writers.
But then I woke up this morning around 3 and came to the conclusion that I actually enjoyed last night's episode. Why?
1) The alternate universe showed us that Ben could have turned out to be good. Instead of killing his father, he takes care of him. Instead of choosing what's best for Ben Linus, he opts to put his student ahead of himself. Maybe that's what the alternate universe is supposed to be: a mirror of these characters' true selves?
2) That scene at the end (which I could have done a screen capture on but my computer doesn't have Flash) in which Jack and Hurley happily reunite with Sun, Lapidus, Ilana(?), and Miles on the beach—when the camera flashed to Ben standing off to the side, my heart went out to him. Ben in that scene was like the kid last picked for kickball on the playground. Poor Ben. So unpopular.
3) I saw another side of Richard. Richard, who'd always held the answers. Richard, who'd always been calm and composed. Richard, who'd given his life to Jacob. This time, Richard didn't have the answers. He'd lost faith in Jacob and didn't know what else to do. Of course, Jack came to the rescue. Oh heroic Jack.
What are your thoughts on "Dr. Linus"?
Nope.
Stupid writers.
But then I woke up this morning around 3 and came to the conclusion that I actually enjoyed last night's episode. Why?
1) The alternate universe showed us that Ben could have turned out to be good. Instead of killing his father, he takes care of him. Instead of choosing what's best for Ben Linus, he opts to put his student ahead of himself. Maybe that's what the alternate universe is supposed to be: a mirror of these characters' true selves?
2) That scene at the end (which I could have done a screen capture on but my computer doesn't have Flash) in which Jack and Hurley happily reunite with Sun, Lapidus, Ilana(?), and Miles on the beach—when the camera flashed to Ben standing off to the side, my heart went out to him. Ben in that scene was like the kid last picked for kickball on the playground. Poor Ben. So unpopular.
3) I saw another side of Richard. Richard, who'd always held the answers. Richard, who'd always been calm and composed. Richard, who'd given his life to Jacob. This time, Richard didn't have the answers. He'd lost faith in Jacob and didn't know what else to do. Of course, Jack came to the rescue. Oh heroic Jack.
What are your thoughts on "Dr. Linus"?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
What's Your Best Guess?
So apparently it is spring break and I do not have class tonight. Do you think I'll be able to watch LOST tonight -- like a normal person -- as opposed to on abc.com later in the week?
Let's review all variables:
1. Kate needs to feed three people after arriving home around 5:30.
2. Kate needs to look after, bathe, and otherwise care for a rambunctious, strong-willed toddler who is also a self-proclaimed princess/mermaid/kitty.
3. Said princess/mermaid/kitty-toddler needs to be sound asleep by 8:59 pm for Kate to even think about starting to watch LOST.
4. Kate really likes LOST and hasn't seen one episode on the television this whole season which makes the prospect of doing so tonight very enticing!
5. Kate gets ABC on two channels, one from NY and one from CT, as far a she knows, the CT ABC is still working, but she's not 100% sure about that.
I'm crossing my fingers that I get to watch it... but I remain optimistically pessimistic (or is it pessimistically optimistic?).
Let's review all variables:
1. Kate needs to feed three people after arriving home around 5:30.
2. Kate needs to look after, bathe, and otherwise care for a rambunctious, strong-willed toddler who is also a self-proclaimed princess/mermaid/kitty.
3. Said princess/mermaid/kitty-toddler needs to be sound asleep by 8:59 pm for Kate to even think about starting to watch LOST.
4. Kate really likes LOST and hasn't seen one episode on the television this whole season which makes the prospect of doing so tonight very enticing!
5. Kate gets ABC on two channels, one from NY and one from CT, as far a she knows, the CT ABC is still working, but she's not 100% sure about that.
I'm crossing my fingers that I get to watch it... but I remain optimistically pessimistic (or is it pessimistically optimistic?).
Monday, March 8, 2010
ATTN: Creative WR Lost fans!
We're creative. We're passionate. We're crazy about Lost!
ABC's having an Ultimate LOST Fan Promo Contest. It's asking fans to create 35-second finale promos on its Web site. Check it out: http://abc.go.com/shows/lost/fan-promo-contest
Wouldn't it be awesome if one of us won? We should all make one and enter, and post our entries (if possible) here!
ABC's having an Ultimate LOST Fan Promo Contest. It's asking fans to create 35-second finale promos on its Web site. Check it out: http://abc.go.com/shows/lost/fan-promo-contest
Wouldn't it be awesome if one of us won? We should all make one and enter, and post our entries (if possible) here!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Pretty Richy Beauty System
Why hello, friends. Over the past sixty years people have been asking me about my beauty regimen. Until now I've kept all of this a secret, but now, with my 60-day no-risk trial offer of the Pretty Richy Beauty System, you too can look flawless, even on a remote island immersed in an ultimate battle between good and evil (or evil and evil, depending on how you look at it). But I divert...
With the Pretty Richy trial offer you will get:
With the Pretty Richy trial offer you will get:
- double black, extra plumping, 12x magnifying mascara
- super-black guy liner made from LOST island coal (excavated from a mine 1000 feet below the orchid station)
- Wrinkle reducing mud mask made from south Pacific super-smoothing mud
- Exfoliating scrub made from ground crab and other mystery crustacian shells (all shells come from creepy crawlies we've pulled off of dead bodies left to rot on the LOST beach)
- Calming night cream made from a mixture of Dharma quality mayonaise and that stuff they injected into Claire when she was pregnant (hey, if it works for fetuses, why not grown metrosexuals?)
- Dharma quality tweezers and eyebrow stencils for perfectly sculpted eyebrows
- Elixer of life; this bonus supplement is made from a secret blend of vitamins, herbs, and other homeopathic substances found around the island
And, if you order before the island moves through time or space again, we'll throw in an Aljira survivor tote bag to store all of the products. The Pretty Richy Beauty System is what every manly girly-man needs to keep pretty. We don't have a use for money or credit on the LOST island, so our new low price of your immortal soul is all it takes to get you started! Call or click (or send a signal through the lighthouse) today!
Thank you and god speed!
Inner Struggle
Oh, Sayid ...I was truly rooting for you from the beginning. Even after you tortured Sawyer because I knew you were doing it to save the bratty Shannon. Even after it was revealed that you used to torture innocent people. Even after you agreed to work with Ben Linus to assassinate Charles Widmore's allies. Even after you went to 1977 and shot the innocent boy who'd grow up to be the evil Ben Linus.
I'd always thought that you were struggling to unleash the good you had deep down and let it overtake the bad things you've done throughout your life. Out of all the Oceanic survivors on the island, you seemed to be the most level-headed and the most knowledgeable when it came to surviving. You also seemed to have an instinct for knowing who could and could not be trusted. And off the island, you reinvented yourself as a worker building houses with a charity organization after your missions with Ben.
But it looks like you've truly embraced the dark side now that you've died and been resurrected. I got chills at the end of "Sundown" as you and Claire walked over dead bodies at the temple and met up with unLocke/FLocke. Even though you had so much potential to be good, you also have so many abilities to be a truly evil villain.
I'm terrified by what you are now capable of doing as an unLocke/FLocke lackey.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Sundown
Well, I still can't figure out how to comment on other posts... so I apologize for not having much else to say besides this: I am more confused than ever.
Step Up
Dear LOST,
You best be steppin' up your game tonight. I get that you don't have enough time left to answer all our questions. That's fine. But um, could you answer one or two maybe? And I don't mean answers that lead to more questions like Locke Monster telling Sawyer that the reason he's on this island is because his name is on a wall. See, that's not an answer. All that is is a procrastination tactic. I know this game well. You're not fooling me with your shenanigans.
You know what would be good? You know what you should do tonight? Just blow up the temple and be done with it. Why are you introducing new characters now? Nobody gives a damn about Planet of the Apes pony tail guy. "English tastes bitter on my tongue." Oh yeah, Guy? Well your whole freaky society tastes like bullshit on mine. Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here? Yeah. I'm gonna sick Biff on your ass.
Here's a tip: Don't have anyone go anywhere. Not on the island anyway. Not anymore. I don't care what you do in Sideways Land, but on the island, people need to sit the fuck down and just talk to each other. Here is an example of dialogue you might try using:
Hurley: Dude, so like, what's going on here, for real?
Jacob: Oh, I'm glad you asked, Hurley. You see, it all started when...
It is at this point where an ANSWER can be given. But no, you won't do that. That would be too easy. Instead, you'll insist upon Claire jumping out of the jungle with her boney monkey baby, thereby causing Hurley to turn his head for a second and allowing Jacob to disappear. Next, Claire will start shooting all willy-nilly-like and some worthless extras will die horribly. And by horribly, I don't mean that it will be gruesome and painful; I mean that they are such terrible actors that they will grab their chests with one hand and raise the other to the sky proclaiming "Why, Jacob, why?" and then crumple to the dirt like the piles of throwaway James Lipton garbage that they are. Dear LOST, don't be like that.
Please do something useful tonight. Please shock us. Give us a WOW moment or two. I think we deserve it. Don't invent some impossible carousel and throw it on the beach, only to have Jack walk up to it, take a ride and proclaim, "How come we never saw this before?" That would not be kosher. Oh, and if you're going to visit Sideways Sawyer, can you please please PLEASE make him slightly different than he really is but also have strange things about him that he notices and is all like "Well I never noticed that before. I wonder what that could mean?" Yeah. That'd be great. Like give him an ear on his chest. When he opens his shirt he could be all "Did I always have that ear on my chest?" and consider it for a few seconds but then realize that yes, he always had an ear on his chest. Then you can have him continue on with his normal everyday Sideways business and not explain it at all. That would be keen. Thanks.
Please don't get me wrong LOST. I still heart you like whoa. It's just that sometimes (and by sometimes I mean like... always) you make me want to open up the top of my skull and poke that gooey mass with pound cake. I could do it too. Anything is possible with you.
Sincerely,
Sideways Shaka
P.S. Kill Kate. Kill Kate. Kill Kate.
You best be steppin' up your game tonight. I get that you don't have enough time left to answer all our questions. That's fine. But um, could you answer one or two maybe? And I don't mean answers that lead to more questions like Locke Monster telling Sawyer that the reason he's on this island is because his name is on a wall. See, that's not an answer. All that is is a procrastination tactic. I know this game well. You're not fooling me with your shenanigans.
You know what would be good? You know what you should do tonight? Just blow up the temple and be done with it. Why are you introducing new characters now? Nobody gives a damn about Planet of the Apes pony tail guy. "English tastes bitter on my tongue." Oh yeah, Guy? Well your whole freaky society tastes like bullshit on mine. Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here? Yeah. I'm gonna sick Biff on your ass.
Here's a tip: Don't have anyone go anywhere. Not on the island anyway. Not anymore. I don't care what you do in Sideways Land, but on the island, people need to sit the fuck down and just talk to each other. Here is an example of dialogue you might try using:
Hurley: Dude, so like, what's going on here, for real?
Jacob: Oh, I'm glad you asked, Hurley. You see, it all started when...
It is at this point where an ANSWER can be given. But no, you won't do that. That would be too easy. Instead, you'll insist upon Claire jumping out of the jungle with her boney monkey baby, thereby causing Hurley to turn his head for a second and allowing Jacob to disappear. Next, Claire will start shooting all willy-nilly-like and some worthless extras will die horribly. And by horribly, I don't mean that it will be gruesome and painful; I mean that they are such terrible actors that they will grab their chests with one hand and raise the other to the sky proclaiming "Why, Jacob, why?" and then crumple to the dirt like the piles of throwaway James Lipton garbage that they are. Dear LOST, don't be like that.
Please do something useful tonight. Please shock us. Give us a WOW moment or two. I think we deserve it. Don't invent some impossible carousel and throw it on the beach, only to have Jack walk up to it, take a ride and proclaim, "How come we never saw this before?" That would not be kosher. Oh, and if you're going to visit Sideways Sawyer, can you please please PLEASE make him slightly different than he really is but also have strange things about him that he notices and is all like "Well I never noticed that before. I wonder what that could mean?" Yeah. That'd be great. Like give him an ear on his chest. When he opens his shirt he could be all "Did I always have that ear on my chest?" and consider it for a few seconds but then realize that yes, he always had an ear on his chest. Then you can have him continue on with his normal everyday Sideways business and not explain it at all. That would be keen. Thanks.
Please don't get me wrong LOST. I still heart you like whoa. It's just that sometimes (and by sometimes I mean like... always) you make me want to open up the top of my skull and poke that gooey mass with pound cake. I could do it too. Anything is possible with you.
Sincerely,
Sideways Shaka
P.S. Kill Kate. Kill Kate. Kill Kate.
Don't Want to Spoil the Fun ...
I won't be reading these articles, because they supposedly contain spoilers that were recently revealed about the end of the show. I suggest you avoid them too. But here they are if you just can't stand being in the dark:
Seattle P-I's 13 Clues
EW intern at the Paley Fest
Who's Not the Mom of Jack's Son? (accidentally read this one)
Stars Have No Clue What's to Come
Something About Water
Enjoy! (or don't!)
Seattle P-I's 13 Clues
EW intern at the Paley Fest
Who's Not the Mom of Jack's Son? (accidentally read this one)
Stars Have No Clue What's to Come
Something About Water
Enjoy! (or don't!)
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