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Dear LOST,

You best be steppin' up your game tonight. I get that you don't have enough time left to answer all our questions. That's fine. But um, could you answer one or two maybe? And I don't mean answers that lead to more questions like Locke Monster telling Sawyer that the reason he's on this island is because his name is on a wall. See, that's not an answer. All that is is a procrastination tactic. I know this game well. You're not fooling me with your shenanigans.

You know what would be good? You know what you should do tonight? Just blow up the temple and be done with it. Why are you introducing new characters now? Nobody gives a damn about Planet of the Apes pony tail guy. "English tastes bitter on my tongue." Oh yeah, Guy? Well your whole freaky society tastes like bullshit on mine. Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here? Yeah. I'm gonna sick Biff on your ass.

Here's a tip: Don't have anyone go anywhere. Not on the island anyway. Not anymore. I don't care what you do in Sideways Land, but on the island, people need to sit the fuck down and just talk to each other. Here is an example of dialogue you might try using:

Hurley: Dude, so like, what's going on here, for real?
Jacob: Oh, I'm glad you asked, Hurley. You see, it all started when...

It is at this point where an ANSWER can be given. But no, you won't do that. That would be too easy. Instead, you'll insist upon Claire jumping out of the jungle with her boney monkey baby, thereby causing Hurley to turn his head for a second and allowing Jacob to disappear. Next, Claire will start shooting all willy-nilly-like and some worthless extras will die horribly. And by horribly, I don't mean that it will be gruesome and painful; I mean that they are such terrible actors that they will grab their chests with one hand and raise the other to the sky proclaiming "Why, Jacob, why?" and then crumple to the dirt like the piles of throwaway James Lipton garbage that they are. Dear LOST, don't be like that.

Please do something useful tonight. Please shock us. Give us a WOW moment or two. I think we deserve it. Don't invent some impossible carousel and throw it on the beach, only to have Jack walk up to it, take a ride and proclaim, "How come we never saw this before?" That would not be kosher. Oh, and if you're going to visit Sideways Sawyer, can you please please PLEASE make him slightly different than he really is but also have strange things about him that he notices and is all like "Well I never noticed that before. I wonder what that could mean?" Yeah. That'd be great. Like give him an ear on his chest. When he opens his shirt he could be all "Did I always have that ear on my chest?" and consider it for a few seconds but then realize that yes, he always had an ear on his chest. Then you can have him continue on with his normal everyday Sideways business and not explain it at all. That would be keen. Thanks.

Please don't get me wrong LOST. I still heart you like whoa. It's just that sometimes (and by sometimes I mean like... always) you make me want to open up the top of my skull and poke that gooey mass with pound cake. I could do it too. Anything is possible with you.

Sincerely,
Sideways Shaka

P.S. Kill Kate. Kill Kate. Kill Kate.