A Television Show

LOST is on tonight. Did you know this? Had you heard? Just in case you haven't, I thought I would fill you in. It's a show about these characters. It's pretty cool. They're on an island. And the island talks. I know, right? It's nutty! Who ever heard of a talking island before? I know I haven't! Up until this show came on 5 years ago.

For those of you who haven't seen this television program, let me fill you in on some basics.

1) In the pilot episode, a bunch of people parachute out of a burning blimp. Some died when they hit the shores but that's just because it was Normandy and a lot of burning blimp refugees died on the shores of Normandy. It was sad. Even for the burning blimp refugees that survived their parachute. They were sad. Because their friends had died. So to cure their sadness, they walked around the island of Normandy for about 600 days or so. But it was really about 30. After that first month or decade, the island started talking to them. End Season 1.

2) In Season Two, a man named John Locke was invented by a man named Pete Townsend. They shook hands and opened up a door that unlocked a strange new world. In that world there was a man named Desmond Monkey Hands who had to keep pushing a button because if he didn't, there would be no universal health care. It was pretty scary. He had to push the universal health care button every 600 minutes or so. But it was really about 30. Oh, and there was also this other character who was a Care Bear. His name was Hurley Bear. He came down from the mountains wearing some clothes. That's where Season Two Ended.

3) In Season Three, all hell broke lose! No joke! It started right where Season Two left off with Hurley Bear all up in his clothes and talking to Desmond about the pot monster. Did I tell you about the pot monster? He was like this pot smoke that just floated around the island getting everybody high and like, doing things to them. It was really scary stuff. I don't know how to explain it really. Oh yes I do. It's like when you accidentally drop your Koosh ball in the sink or the pool or the ocean. That's what happened to Jack. Jack is another character on the show. He dropped his Koosh Ball in the ocean in the pilot episode when he parachuted from the burning blimp. He was very sad. Not just because his Koosh ball was all wet and it would take at least a day for it to dry but also because his dad died. The rest of Season Three was pretty much just nonsense.

4) In Season Four, Claire had a baby and everyone else was safe at home. Yeah, they got off the island. It was righteous. It meant something. They got to eat things like Bubba Burgers with ketchup. They were all very happy about that because back on the talking island, all they had to eat was Bubba Burgers and mustard. But there was only a little bit of mustard to go around and by Season Four ALL THE MUSTARD WAS GONE!! So they were all happy about life back at home. But they still felt sorry for leaving Claire and her baby on the island with no mustard. So they went back. They had to go back. Jack said so.

5) Season Five was awesome. They went back to the talking island and Jack and Kate had lots of sexy time and pineapples. Kate was Jack's doberman pincher in a sideways universe but he never knew that because the character who played Kate was Gweneth Paltrow and she was too busy missing her train. So instead, they all decided that it would be fun to roll on up for a magical mystery tour and take a yellow submarine back to 1977. When they got there, there was this farmer and his name was Sayid. Sayid told them that Cobra was the best Nintendo game EVER! And everyone pretty much agreed except for this tall glass of water named Sawyer who thought it was really Bubble Bobble. Sawyer was a homosexual but everyone respected him. Especially this guy named Miles who could talk to Bruce Willis.

And now you're pretty much caught up! Oh, but LOST is in it's final season now and there's only like 8 episodes left before the series finale. So what's happened so far this season is that we FINALLY found out that Claire's baby is actually Rosemary's baby. And Woody Allen is suing for custody. Stay tuned!!

LOST airs tonight at 9:00pm EST on ABC.